Diageo
UK, 0.05% ABV
 
‘Non-alcoholic beer? Pah! What’s the point?’ That’s no doubt the review you were expecting, but, to be honest, I’ve got no real problem with non-alcoholic lager. It’s a viable alternative for drivers, pregnant women, recovering alcoholics, and anyone who begrudges paying upwards of two bin lids for a carbonated cola. But I do have a problem with Kaliber. I’ll admit this has nothing much to do with the drink itself, and everything to do with all those late 1980s TV ads featuring Billy bloody Connolly. ‘Look at me! I’m Scottish and wacky! With a big beard that I sometimes dye blue! And I’ve got my willy out! Again!’ When it comes to Billy Connolly, the word smug is wholly inadequate, and his infuriating ads were more than enough to merit a boot through the Rediffusion. ‘I’m not a pheasant plucker, I’m a pheasant plucker’s son, and I’m only plucking pheasants ‘til the pheasant plucker comes. And I’ve been drinking.’ The ads, like Connolly, were bafflingly popular, and helped Kaliber survive in a difficult market, while the likes of 1980s non-alcoholic rival Barbican disappeared. It’s brewed by Guinness as a full-strength, with the alcohol removed at the end. (Strictly speaking, Kaliber is not non-alcoholic as it does have a naturally occurring ABV of 0.05%.) Did I mention it’s brewed by Guinness? Because that fact is writ large over Kaliber’s packaging and advertising. ‘It’s brewed by Guinness! It’s legitimate!’ That may be, but I’m not sure I can ever forgive Kaliber for Billy plucking Connolly. And I’ve been drinking. PB