Non-Beardy Beer » H

HOLSTEN PILS

Beer Book — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 13:05:02 +0000

Carlsberg UK
UK, 5.5% ABV

Probably the first of the ‘designer’ lagers, served in a small bottle that replaced Milk Stout and Barley Wine on the shelves and in the chiller cabinets of most boozers, the key to Holsten’s initial success was its above-average strength, which prevented pint drinkers from calling you a puff for supping it. Then someone had the brilliant idea that Holsten could be marketed as a low calorie drink because all of the sugar had been turned to alcohol during the brewing process. However, drinking ten bottles of the stuff left you needing a 2000-calorie dose of kebab, so the Holsten Pils Diet died a swift death. But Holsten’s sales still soared, largely due to a popular and imaginative advertising campaign featuring Jeff Goldblum playing his effortlessly smug, slightly spaced-out self. A sponsorship deal with Tottenham Hotspur followed and Holsten became a popular take home drink for armchair football supporters. Finally, we probably have Holsten Pils to thank for the disappearance of cholera and the black death. In the early days of bottled beer, it was often stored in cellars or pub yards where rats could piss on it with gay abandon. Since it was the habit of Holsten drinkers to eschew glasses, it meant every drink from the offending bottle was like a small inoculation against any condition that rats might pass on. Of course pubs take much more care with storage nowadays. Here’s hoping, anyway. MW

HARP IRISH LAGER

Beer Book — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 12:20:08 +0000

Diageo
Ireland, 5%

Claiming to be Northern Ireland’s number one lager, Harp was the first lager I ever tried; mainly because it was what the kind bloke who went to the offie for an underage me brought back. The advertising slogan of ‘Harp stays sharp to the bottom of the glass’ made it sound cool to drink, and when I first tried that warm, frothy, alien beverage it was my holy baptism into manhood. Or so I thought. The best thing about Harp (other than that slogan created by advertising maestro Rod Allen) was when they brought Irish Harp out in 1997 – again, with genius advertising. You could do a silly dance as you asked for a pint, laughing smugly like you were the first person to do so while the serving wench called you a rude word under her breath. Harp was a Guinness company product, bearing a Brian Boru Harp as its famous emblem until Diageo changed all that in 2005 when it separated the brand from Guinness and the Guinness-owned harp. So Harp doesn’t even have a harp as a logo now. How rubbish is that? You have to go to Canada or USA to find a Harp lager with a harp on the side these days. They always ruin stuff. But not the taste… Harp has won six gold medals in the Monde Selection beer tasting competition, and is smooth, and, well… makes you want to drink more. And more. Which was my excuse the next day. SW

HOEGAARDEN

Beer Book — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 12:55:10 +0000

InBev
Belgium, 4.9% ABV

Although well known for its white beers since the Middle Ages, the Flemish town of Hoegaarden’s last witbier brewery bit the dust in 1955. It wasn’t until 1966 that the style was revived by, inevitably, a local milkman in, also inevitably, his hay loft. Nowadays, the idea of the stereotypical wacky Belgian brewing up a few barrels of intoxicating gloop for his mates has given way to mass production under the InBev umbrella. However, to this day Hoegaarden uses only the traditional ingredients of water, yeast, wheat, hops, coriander and dried Curaçao orange peel, which combine to give a taste a little like liquid Weetabix; and thanks to the heavily fibrous properties of the wheat, the beer resembles something along those lines when it comes out the other end the next morning. Commonly served with a slice of lemon or orange, for optimum enjoyment the manufacturers recommend drinking from a special Hoegaarden thick-sided, half-pint, hexagonal tumbler; the ton-weight Hoegaarden pint glass being a) far less common and b) a right bugger to steal without a sturdy wheelbarrow and a willing accomplice. And as well as causing heated discussions about its drinkability and take-that-back-ness over the years, Hoegaarden’s pale, cloudy appearance and natural sediment has provided a perfect disguise for crumbs, floaters and caked-on fag ash for many an unscrupulous landlord. This cloudiness, to settle it once and for all, is thanks to an additional second fermentation in the bottle. So now you know. MJ

HEINEKEN

Beer Book — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 12:26:00 +0000

Heineken UK
Netherlands, 5% ABV

This perennial Dutch favourite has recently re-vamped its image. Heineken’s previous incarnation on these shores was as a 3.2% ABV ‘standard lager’, a weakened version of its continental cousin brewed specifically for us puny Brits. Luckily those days are over, and drinkers are now treated to an imported brew with a vibrant and distinctively malty flavour, and a thirst-quenchingly good 5% ABV, which, after ten pints, can induce the ability to speak Dutch. As any visitor to Amsterdam will tell you, getting a bit of head is easy. Yes, for a few Euros you will be served a cold and quickly poured golden lager with a tight foamy topping. This head is vital to the overall enjoyment of Heineken; it adds texture and acts as a nice rule to see how fast you’re drinking. Dutch barmen even have a tool to level the foam in your glass. This froth is so important to a glass of Heineken that the brewery employs a specialist to ensure that its famous white topping is kept ‘ahead’ of the game. This physicist has even had scientific papers published with titles such as ‘The Role of Surface Viscosity in Gas Diffusion in Aqueous Foams’. A cracking read, that one. As far as rebranding goes, Heineken have done a top-notch job here, even going so far as to tilt the three letter e’s in the label logo to make them ‘smile’ at you. So, if a trip to Amsterdam has left you with an embarrassing itch, remember that Heineken refreshes the parts other beers can’t reach. GT