Non-Beardy Beer

KALIBER

Beer Book — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 13:07:27 +0000

Diageo
UK, 0.05% ABV

‘Non-alcoholic beer? Pah! What’s the point?’ That’s no doubt the review you were expecting, but, to be honest, I’ve got no real problem with non-alcoholic lager. It’s a viable alternative for drivers, pregnant women, recovering alcoholics, and anyone who begrudges paying upwards of two bin lids for a carbonated cola. But I do have a problem with Kaliber. I’ll admit this has nothing much to do with the drink itself, and everything to do with all those late 1980s TV ads featuring Billy bloody Connolly. ‘Look at me! I’m Scottish and wacky! With a big beard that I sometimes dye blue! And I’ve got my willy out! Again!’ When it comes to Billy Connolly, the word smug is wholly inadequate, and his infuriating ads were more than enough to merit a boot through the Rediffusion. ‘I’m not a pheasant plucker, I’m a pheasant plucker’s son, and I’m only plucking pheasants ‘til the pheasant plucker comes. And I’ve been drinking.’ The ads, like Connolly, were bafflingly popular, and helped Kaliber survive in a difficult market, while the likes of 1980s non-alcoholic rival Barbican disappeared. It’s brewed by Guinness as a full-strength, with the alcohol removed at the end. (Strictly speaking, Kaliber is not non-alcoholic as it does have a naturally occurring ABV of 0.05%.) Did I mention it’s brewed by Guinness? Because that fact is writ large over Kaliber’s packaging and advertising. ‘It’s brewed by Guinness! It’s legitimate!’ That may be, but I’m not sure I can ever forgive Kaliber for Billy plucking Connolly. And I’ve been drinking. PB

HOLSTEN PILS

Beer Book — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 13:05:02 +0000

Carlsberg UK
UK, 5.5% ABV

Probably the first of the ‘designer’ lagers, served in a small bottle that replaced Milk Stout and Barley Wine on the shelves and in the chiller cabinets of most boozers, the key to Holsten’s initial success was its above-average strength, which prevented pint drinkers from calling you a puff for supping it. Then someone had the brilliant idea that Holsten could be marketed as a low calorie drink because all of the sugar had been turned to alcohol during the brewing process. However, drinking ten bottles of the stuff left you needing a 2000-calorie dose of kebab, so the Holsten Pils Diet died a swift death. But Holsten’s sales still soared, largely due to a popular and imaginative advertising campaign featuring Jeff Goldblum playing his effortlessly smug, slightly spaced-out self. A sponsorship deal with Tottenham Hotspur followed and Holsten became a popular take home drink for armchair football supporters. Finally, we probably have Holsten Pils to thank for the disappearance of cholera and the black death. In the early days of bottled beer, it was often stored in cellars or pub yards where rats could piss on it with gay abandon. Since it was the habit of Holsten drinkers to eschew glasses, it meant every drink from the offending bottle was like a small inoculation against any condition that rats might pass on. Of course pubs take much more care with storage nowadays. Here’s hoping, anyway. MW

EFES

Beer Book — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 13:03:09 +0000

Efes Beverage Group
Turkey, 5% ABV

If you’ve ever been to Turkey, then you’re certainly aware of Efes. The brand holds an 80 percent market share in its home country, so if you order a beer in Turkey there’s an 80 percent chance you’ll be served Efes. But there is no longer a need to travel to Turkey (and begrudgingly hand over your highly suspect £10 sterling ‘entry fee’ at the airport) to drink from the Efes fountain. It’s now distributed around the world, and widely available in UK supermarkets. The Turks began brewing Efes Pilsner in 1969, and the Efes Beverage Group now owns 14 breweries. The secret to Efes’ success? Bottom fermentation. Tee – and indeed – hee. That’s actually the name of part of the brewing process, using malt, barley, and Hallertau hops. The result is a pleasant pilsner, easy to drink on holiday, soothes the pain of sunburn and mosquito bites, makes you forget which apartment you’re staying in, helps you survive a bruising encounter with a moped on an unlit dirt track, perfectly accompanies the watching of a dodgy copy of a blockbuster movie on a sun-blanched bar telly… you get the idea. But should you be seeking it out back in Blighty? Would a Turkish tourist seek out Carling back in Istanbul? One thinks not. So what next for the mighty Efes corporation? That’ll be ‘Efes Dark Brown’ in which, and I quote: ‘the famous beer maker has successfully blended the flavours of the world’s favourite cold and hot beverages – beer and coffee.’ Roll up, roll up. Or, indeed, don’t. PB

DIAMOND WHITE

Beer Book — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 12:59:45 +0000

Gaymer Company
UK, 7.5% ABV

It’s probably fair to say that a lot of people think the current vogue for drinking bottled cider in pubs (as opposed to drinking it on trains and outside of court) began only a year or two back when Magners/Bulmers brought us the cider-over-ice revolution. Not true: bottled cider Diamond White has been around since the 1980s, and was as synonymous with that decade as fingerless gloves or Anita Dobson’s perm. At a hefty 7.5% ABV (which led some to christen it ‘Diamond Fight’), the foolhardy even used this white cider as a basis for one of the more infamous ‘cocktails’ of the time – the ‘Blastaway’. This cheeky little number consisted of a bottle of Diamond White mixed together in a pint glass with a bottle of Castaway (a rather vile sparkling white wine and fruit juice combo) to produce a liquid which resembled tramp’s urine. Such was the Blastaway’s sharp taste that the first sip invariably drew your face into a rictus grin leaving you looking like Jack Nicolson’s portrayal of the Joker in Batman. Diamond White was never the classiest of drinks (and it spawned an even tawdrier copycat beverage, White Lightning), but it has survived and is still available in cans and bottles today, although it’s probably fair to say that it’s now more popular with park bench residents than those looking for a cool and sophisticated tipple. RM

NEWCASTLE EXHIBITION ALE

Beer Book — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 12:27:48 +0000

Scottish & Newcastle
UK, 3.8% ABV

There is an old football chant that was popular among the rougher elements of travelling Newcastle United fans back in the 1980s. These fans would turn up en mass at various away grounds – nowhere flash given Newcastle’s lack of success during that decade – and the chant would invariably rise up: ‘We drink Ex, we drink Brown, now we’re going to smash your town.’ Not the most endearing of ditties, certainly, and to be fair not many towns were smashed up, but plenty of Ex and Brown was undoubtedly supped; Brown being, of course, Newcastle Brown Ale, and Ex being Newcastle Exhibition. Both beers are brewed by Scottish & Newcastle, but while Newcastle Brown Ale has a mythology swirling around it and is sold all over the world, Newcastle Exhibition has always been something of a little brother (despite having an interesting history of its own, having first been brewed in 1887 to celebrate Queen Victoria’s Diamond Jubilee). Exhibition was given quite a marketing push by S&N a few years back (via a series of TV ads that ended with a woman proclaiming, ‘Ex, Ex, Ex – that’s all you men think about!’) but these days the beer is mostly enjoyed by those who’ve stuck with it over a period of time through thick and thin. These stalwarts can now only enjoy the beer on draught (cans of Exhibition were discontinued a few years ago), and their loyalty is rewarded with a very decent ale which has a pleasant maple aroma and aftertaste. And hopefully it won’t make them want to smash up any towns. RM

MARSTON’S PEDIGREE

Beer Book — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 12:26:45 +0000

Marston’s
UK, 4.5% ABV

Marston’s Pedigree is a very refreshing smooth pale ale, especially when served cool from the tap. With an ABV of 4.5% it may not be as strong as some run-of-the-mill beers like the wifebeating Stella Artois, but it packs a bigger punch than coming-of-age footy fans faves Carling or Foster’s. I like how these old traditional brewing companies name their beers. As well as Pedigree, other beer names in the Marston’s portfolio are Heart Warmer, Evening Glow and Ugly Sisters, which after a few pints you could rename the Not-So-Ugly Sisters. Marston’s brewery was founded by John Marston in 1834 in Burton-on-Trent, and uses the famous Burton spring water in its ales. While most beers nowadays are brewed in stainless steel vats, Marston’s brew their beers in traditional oak casks, linked together by pipes and troughs. Personally I couldn’t care less if it was brewed in old Mrs Miggins’s tin bath as long as it keeps tasting this good. Marston’s Pedigree is also available to the home drinker in 500ml cans and bottles which I now stock up on a regular basis. No, I don’t have a drink problem… yet. So, previously a Guinness drinker, I now feel I have found my perfect pint. So for a change from the norm, next time you’re in a pub ask for a pint of Marston’s Pedigree and tell them I sent you. They won’t have a clue who you’re talking about. DL

LCL PILS

Beer Book — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 12:23:53 +0000

Thwaites
UK, 4.5-5% ABV

Good old LCL. More common a sight in North East working men’s clubs than Gazza and Jimmy Five-Bellies out on a bender, LCL is always a staunch regular, and is almost as synonymous with Newcastle’s drinking scene as Brown Ale. Now that’s a bold statement, but LCL can hold its own in a one-on-one with any lager in town. Why? Because of its no frills, no nonsense approach to getting you off your head. Two more big plus points are that it’s strong and cheap, making it a notorious way to spice up any meat draw on the planet. Born in 1997, LCL was bought by Scottish & Newcastle in 2004, as part of its acquisition of the Northern Clubs’ Federation Brewery in Gateshead. At the end of 2007, S&N sold the entire rights for the production, marketing and sales of the LCL Pils beer brand to Daniel Thwaites Brewery in Blackburn. It didn’t mean that the drink was destroyed or altered, and the chances are that the flat-cappers didn’t notice or couldn’t care less as long as it was still on tap. Its popularity lies in it being an honest pint. Why do you want a poseur’s lager when drinking somewhere with no women to pull, and where you’ll get your teeth kicked in if you ask for anything more elaborate than ‘a pint’? It’s also satisfying drinking a non-trendy name out of a bottle. It shows you know what you like, and LCL is an enjoyable lager without the pretentions of most others on the market. SW

KRONENBOURG BLANC

Beer Book — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 12:22:49 +0000

Scottish & Newcastle
France, 5% ABV

An imported, fruity wheat beer from France which caused quite a splash when it landed in the UK a few years ago (possibly because of the astronomical costs associated with buying the stuff), Kronenbourg Blanc is a love it or hate it job, make no mistake. It’s certainly fruity and quite refreshing, but it’s sweet to the point of sickly, and you wouldn’t want to drink more than a couple of pints of the stuff – although those couple of pints might be very enjoyable indeed. It’s easily found on the high street and in the off-licence, and in my opinion that’s no bad thing for UK drinkers who have suffered through years of nothing more than the mildest of mild ales and the blandest of bland lagers. The fact that many UK drinkers may very well turn their noses up at the acquired taste of Blanc is another matter entirely. It’s also worth mentioning Kronenbourg Premier Cru here. Cru is a straightforward lager, albeit a 6% ABV one. The luxuriant bottle may be the most notable thing about it, as, for all its promises of quality, it doesn’t really taste all that exceptional. The fact that it’s advertised as an accompaniment to ‘lobe de foie gras en consommé‘ (something I must admit to rarely having knocking around at the back of the fridge), shows exactly what type of market Kronenbourg are pitching Cru at. Good luck to the marketing team, hard luck to the consumers, and of course, their shrinking wallets. DA

CARLING C2

Beer Book — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 12:21:26 +0000

Coors
UK, 2% ABV

If ever a lager was created by people without the slightest idea of what drinkers want then this is it. A bland, inoffensive-tasting pint that – yes – will quench your thirst if your throat is dry, but come on, so will a cup of tea. And Carling C2 is two percent proof. That’s only half as strong as Foster’s, which in turn is only half as strong as Duvel, which the Belgians can cope with just dandy without all hell breaking loose. Carling calls it a ‘mid-strength’ lager, but fans of Tennent’s Super or Special Brew might disagree. So what is the point of Carling C2? Does it have a particularly compelling taste? Of course not – the fact that the word ‘Carling’ is in the name should tell you all you need to know about that. And this, Carling claim, is the result of ten years of research involving almost 1,000 recipes. ‘We can’t say exactly how it’s done,’ say Carling, ‘or anyone with a mash tin and a lifetime of brewing experience would be at it.’ Ten years of effort to come up with something that is effectively a brand-name shandy? In other news, cancer remains uncured. Carling’s ‘master brewers’ have wasted their time, and if you buy C2 you’ll be wasting yours. The fact that in recent adverts C2 happens to be a robot’s tipple of choice tells you all you need to know, I’m afraid. I’m human, and I’d probably reach for the engine oil before sinking one of these. DA

HARP IRISH LAGER

Beer Book — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 12:20:08 +0000

Diageo
Ireland, 5%

Claiming to be Northern Ireland’s number one lager, Harp was the first lager I ever tried; mainly because it was what the kind bloke who went to the offie for an underage me brought back. The advertising slogan of ‘Harp stays sharp to the bottom of the glass’ made it sound cool to drink, and when I first tried that warm, frothy, alien beverage it was my holy baptism into manhood. Or so I thought. The best thing about Harp (other than that slogan created by advertising maestro Rod Allen) was when they brought Irish Harp out in 1997 – again, with genius advertising. You could do a silly dance as you asked for a pint, laughing smugly like you were the first person to do so while the serving wench called you a rude word under her breath. Harp was a Guinness company product, bearing a Brian Boru Harp as its famous emblem until Diageo changed all that in 2005 when it separated the brand from Guinness and the Guinness-owned harp. So Harp doesn’t even have a harp as a logo now. How rubbish is that? You have to go to Canada or USA to find a Harp lager with a harp on the side these days. They always ruin stuff. But not the taste… Harp has won six gold medals in the Monde Selection beer tasting competition, and is smooth, and, well… makes you want to drink more. And more. Which was my excuse the next day. SW